I think I may vomit

First day as a full time teacher tomorrow!  As an anxiety ridden individual this scares me!!  I am so thankful for this opportunity, don't get me wrong there, it is just that this means so much to me that I don't want to screw it up!  So, goal for today...be prepared for tomorrow by relaxing this evening!  This week I will simply be myself and work hard to avoid stress by keeping busy.  I know once I get going everything will be ok.  So, back to meditation every morning...and evening too!!  I have been eating "clean" all week and have more energy so I will continue doing that.  Lastly, I will bring my gym bag to school EVERY DAY and work out for at least 30 minutes after work EVERY DAY this week!!  I am then off to a wedding on the weekend where I will relax my ass off!  Ok...I feel good!  Here is to a fantastic week!!! 

Money Monster!

I have turned into a spending machine...which is ironic seeing as I do not have any money to be spending right now!  Does this happen to anyone else?  Why do I spend when I have nothing; and when I want to spend....I don't buy?!!  I understand that we are in an economic crisis and that people are watching what they spend, but sometimes I feel like I don't want to hold back!  I know that "money can't buy happiness" but I also know that not going on vacation every now and then will drive me to be an insane person!  That being said, I am going to Vegas, I am going to have a great time with friends and family, and I am not going to feel guilty about it!  I do not have children yet and I want to live my life selfishly right now...I just want to figure out who I am, what I want, and what my purpose (outside of my work) is in life.  How I get there may be different then what others would do...but I am doing me and that is what is important!
I sometimes get very defensive when people point out the ridiculousness of my antics, however, who is anyone to judge how someone chooses to live their life and be happy?
Another quick babble from a confused mind!   

Do you ever have so much to do that you do nothing!

Ok, so the title of my entry says it all.  I am delighted, thrilled, ecstatic, and scared shitless about my new teaching position.  I just got a full time contract as a grade 4/5 teacher and I have exactly 2 weeks to get my shit together and get this show on the road!  Well...so far I have decided where the desks, tables, and shelves are going to go...I have decorated one board making a "word wall", and I have attended workshops and read lots of "professional" books about how to start a classroom.  I am now so overwhelmed to the point that all I want to do is watch Netflix!  So....started this blog because I am an anxiety ridden individual who would like to make changes in my life.  I remember saying...one goal and one day at a time.   I then write about 4 entries and I abandon my "great idea".  How about a fresh start!  Since I went to a workshop today...that should be good enough right?   But...I still feel like my classroom is a mess and I have no idea where to even begin.  If I go into the school tonight I will continue to feel overwhelmed.  So, I have decided to wait (is this procrastinating?) until after I meet my teaching friends on Wednesday to go back into the room.  I am then meeting another teacher on Thursday who I am going to ask lots of questions to and get her outlook on what I REALLY need to do to start my room.
As for personally...today I really just want to be.  I want to allow myself to watch some television...have a glass of wine...a bath later tonight and read a good book.  Tomorrow, I will wake up, meditate, go to my workshop and take some more time to be.  Wednesday and Thursday I will work my butt off at the school and then I am off to Vegas for a few days and back to reality until our first "holiday"!  I am going to be soooo busy from next week until Christmas so why should I feel guilty for taking the time to relax now?
Who cares what others think, right?  Who is anyone to judge anothers happiness?  I am definitely not a Type A personality. I love to just go with the flow and try not to worry.  I see others stressing and working so hard to the point that they burn themselves out and when the kids come into the classroom in September, and things aren't going the way that that teacher has planned...shit. hits. the fan.   There is no right or wrong way!  I am who I am and I need to accept that and realize that I was hired for a reason!  I have not changed who I am to get this job!  I want the best for EVERYONE and I work so hard to ensure that this happens.  So...maybe I procrastinate on WHEN I do this "work", but the fact of the matter is that I do it, and I do it well!!

Okay...so I have talked myself into not feeling guilty anymore!  Yeah me!

To my readers (if any exist)!  Do you find yourselves judging others?  Do you feel like others are always judging you?  If so, how does it affect your life and what do you do to make light of it all?

Slow and easy start!

Well...I have reached my goals so far today.  My "half hour" work included me doing laundry and making a meal plan and grocery list!  It is only 9 pm and I am barely able to keep my eyes open.  Today was a rough day at work and I have decided to practice my meditation before I go to bed....which is directly after I finish writing!  I think meditation is best practiced in the morning, however, I just could not get up this morning.  I need to remember that at least I am doing it and hopefully some benefits will come of it. 
I bought a cleansing kit at a natural health food store in hopes that it may help me gain my energy back.  I am not sure how these things work...or even if they are safe to use, however, I am going to give it a try anyways and I shall see how long it lasts!  If it makes me feel really awful, I will stop doing it!  It sounds like the first 3 days are the worst so I will just take it easy. 
Okay so I guess I am off to bed now!   I will do my meditation tomorrow morning before I get into the shower so then I am more grounded prior to going to work. 
Signing off and thinking positive thoughts for tomorrow.  Sometimes being positive takes a lot of energy but this is important to me so I am going to try my best!  How do you stay positive?

Here I go again!

Ok...so I realize that I am very random with my posts and have not been using this as frequently as I thought I would.  So, I need to get back to my roots and remember the purpose of this blog.  Basically, I am not truly "happy" and have been feeling extremely unmotivated and confused about my purpose in life.  I originally started off saying that I would have a simple goal that I would like to achieve everyday.  I am realizing I had been setting several goals and that it has been taxing.   My career is currently very stressful and I have been bringing a lot of that stress home.  So, I have decided to start a new system.  I will set a "weekly" goal and post my progress as I am going.  Since stress is playing a bigger role then I would like in my life right now, my goal this week is to practice meditation once daily.  I will be doing the "Chopra 21-day Meditation challenge"  (again!). 

When I am stressed I tend to over think and instead of looking at one task at a time I become overwhelmed with everything I have to do...and as a result...I give up and do nothing at all!  As a result, I continue to fall behind in my career, housework, finances, etc.  So, with that said, this week I am going to set aside a half hour each day to "do something" whether it be sweep the floors, do laundry, finish my thank-you notes from my wedding, do some lesson planning or marking, etc.   I know it is only a half hour but it is more then I have been doing over the last couple of months.  The way I see it, if I make myself do it then at least I have accomplished something...and who knows, maybe I will spend more than half an hour doing it!  Either way, my goal is a half hour each day and I am not going to "beat myself up" if I quit as soon as the clock shows that a half hour is up!

Essentially, my goals this week will allow me to feel more grounded and feel like I am accomplishing something.  There are many more things that I would like to accomplish this week, but I need to start off small or I will become too overwhelmed which will defeat the purpose of this little "project".

Wish me luck!!

Angel in disguise

It sounds odd...but sometimes I feel like I am an angel in disguise.  Like my purpose in life is to help others.  This is odd seeing as I have such a difficult time helping myself in difficult situations.  However, I am super good at helping others in their time of need.  Test me!  See if I can help you!   Maybe I can give you some new insight on a difficult situation.  I have been told by many  friends that I am inspiring so lets see if this holds true.  Please give this a try!

Back to Work!

So, as I mentioned before I am starting my first classroom on Tuesday which I have never done before.  I am definitely excited, I love teaching and the job means a lot to me, however, I feel more anxious then anything.  Wouldn't it be nice to have a job where you could help others without being scrutinized for doing it?  I sometimes feel that I am looked down on for my occupation and that there is  a lot that is expected of me and I don't want to screw up!   I think we all feel this way in our jobs.  But in all honesty I am really confident with my teaching abilities...even though I am new and I need to realize that I am learning too and that things aren't always going to go with the plan.  I guess I am finally learning to "roll with the punches".  Can't wait!  Also did day 1 of the Jillian Michaels 30-day shred...pretty sore! haha.